“Key-Lime” screening at STIFF – Short Toronto Indie Film Festival!

Gentle readers/skimmers,

I’m happy to announce that “If Key-Lime Pie Could Scream” will be screening at the first ever STIFF Short Toronto Indie Film Festival (umm, best acronym eva? high-larious). 

STIFF celebrates talented short filmmakers (those who make short films, not those who are physically short in stature) who live or work in Toronto. Congratulations again to the entire cast and crew of “Key-Lime“! Also, congratulations to all the other Toronto filmmakers who were accepted, and to fellow York grad Brianna Brown whose film also screens (if I had known this last night at the WGCs I would have said so in person!).

This festival is coming up Fast & Furious, and will be taking place in Toronto at the Giggleshorts Theatre (Brunswick/Bloor – behind Future’s/The Lab). If Key-Lime Pie Could Scream” will be screening at 9pm on Friday April 30th, 2010! Ticket’s at $10. Hope to see all your purrrrdee faces there!

A Fay

Festival website: http://www.stiffestival.com/

Giggleshorts Theatre is located at 296 Brunswick Ave. just a few steps south of Bloor St W. Between Spadina & Bathurst Stations in Toronto

Cowboy boots, cutoffs, and mutton chops.

My daddio in ’74. 

I wrote my first short story about his horse when I was six years-old. It was titled “Ralph the Wonder Horse“. 

A Fay

“Write a rant that’s the opposite of your personal truth. Don’t be sarcastic.”


“Glossing the sketch sect in the ass of NOW Magazine, I made a stunning discovery. There is a company that has perfected the landmark technology to swap people’s bodies. Is that not fucking unreal? It’s all there, clear as day, right next to an addy for a quasi-legal shemale escort. I gasped so loudly when I saw it, the old bird next to me thought someone jumped in front of our train. It’s all run like a dating service. First you create a profile. Make a video, do a dot-test, and all that shit. Then you create a second profile, which outlines the body you are looking for. They ask you to write down all the things you would like to change about yourself. They give you loads of paper for that… Don’t fret. They have lined paper, and even offer some paper without lines, if you think your flaws require illustration.  

Par exemple. I’ve asked to be set up with someone who is minimum 5’10, and has two dimples, relatively in the same place, one on each cheek. I myself have only one dimple on the right side, with nothing on the left… That is some bullshit, let me tell you. I didn’t put down a specific hair colour, ‘cuz that’s an easy fix-a-roo. However, I did decide to mention that I require my navel to be an innie, which I think is common enough, but better safe than sorry when it comes to funky shit like that.

Honestly, it shouldn’t be hard to find someone for me to swap into, when you think about it, because really I just want to be like most people.

Also, they better find me a bod with the metabolism of a Whippet. I don’t want them sticking me in some lank lassie that just turns out to be anorexic. Like I could keep that shit up.

The tricky part, I suppose, is that they need to find someone for me as well. Perhaps there’s some deranged, but fortunate-looking, dudette out there who’s always wanted a size 6 shoe, and freckles. I hope. Gawd, what if they can’t find anyone for me? That’d be humiliating. I’m red just thinking about it.

When they find two profiles that are compatible, that’s when they set you up for a first “date”.

On this date, I’m presuming that you introduce each other, and then quickly cut the crap, and start inspecting each other like you’re at a cattle auction. Well no, hopefully not like cows, screw that. Like delicate peaches, and you’re looking for bruises. Or, if you’ve got that kind of lotto luck, you’re both diamonds, and you appraise each other.

After the two of you meet, you can decide if you want to “commit”. Then your “decrustification” can commence.

Gawd, I hope my parents at least try to understand. My dad will probably be all worried that I’ll end up in the body of a wanted murdered, or worse: preggers. He’ll say “SHELLey…” in that annoying octave of his, where he emphasizes the “hell”, as if that’s what I’m making life for him. Well, he doesn’t need to worry because the lady I spoke to assured me that they do a full police check, and medical examination on all of their candidates. You must have a clean bill of health, no history of family illness, and no criminal record, in order to be eligible. They are VERY-VERY strict about these policies.  

So, it’s a bit kinky, but no kinks.”


Hot Bodies (Rant of the Opposing Truth) by Amanda Fahey


Give me a home where the rubber ducks roam

It had been years since Wendy last attended the annual rubber duck race. On race day, six thousand rubber ducks were packed like canned corn in the bucket of a large John Deer. A crowd of the very young, and the very old, gathered and waited eagerly for them to be dumped into a wide steady river. Wendy and the person next to her were the only watchers who defied both age groups. To the casual observer, Wendy defied much of the small town that was surrounding her. The soles of her pumps were worn down from cemented sidewalks, and were unfamiliar with any ground this rural town had to offer (turfs like her aging parents’ alfalfa field, now overrun by dandelions). To look at Wendy, she didn’t appear to be a girl who would know how uncomfortable a sensation getting hay in your bra was. Nor did she look like the sort of person that would recognize a Fox Snake when she saw one.  But Wendy had returned home.

The city mouse returned with a boy. Not her boy. Just a boy. Wendy had one weekend to show him everything. One weekend to tease him with anecdotes from her childhood. One weekend to share half of her nature with him.

From the train station (a city away) they drove into town. With two kilometres to your nearest neighbour, and three notable automotive plants within close proximity, pedestrians have always been an endangered species in this place. The difference now is that economic struggles have created a noticeable tension. More than once that weekend Wendy and Boy would catch a retired man looking at his General Motors car, thinning his greying hair with his hand, and muttering something along the lines of, “Just like the Irish. They make their whole life about the potato, and then the potato fucks up.” 

Before entering town you meet a welcome sign with the slogan “A GREAT PLACE TO GROW”. The word “POT” has been spray painted onto the end, and never corrected by an apathetic municipality.

Female Eye Film Festival media coverage

The Toronto Star


The National Post


The Examiner






Hollywood North Report




TO 411 Daily


A press release with my name in it…

For Immediate Release

Canadian Women Directors Strike ‘Mentorship Gold’ with Creative Women Workshops Association at the Female Eye Film Festival

Festival Dates: March 24th to 28th, 2010

(Toronto, ON – March 11, 2010): For the second year in a row, the Female Eye Film Festival (FeFF) is pleased to host Creative Women Workshops Association (CWWA) and its popular CTV WIDC Career Advancement Module (CAM), made possible through the CTVglobemedia-CHUM Benefits. The CAM takes place Saturday, March 27th, 2010 at the Novotel Toronto Centre.

A spin-off from the internationally acclaimed Women In the Director’s Chair program held in Banff, and focusing on advancing the personal and business skills needed to achieve career and project success in the film and television industry, the CAM includes a free public panel discussion, as well as private mentoring and career coaching specially designed for four pre-selected mid-career women filmmakers per session.

“This kind of personal attention to one’s career advancement from top industry professionals is equivalent to striking gold,” states Carol Whiteman, President and CEO, Creative Women Workshops Association and Producer of the Women In the Director’s Chair program. “Receiving precious nuggets of insider knowledge and assistance in developing strategic plans for success are rare and invaluable gifts in this business. Thank you CTV for recognizing this and to the Female Eye for hosting.”

“I find the closed-door session with “hot–seat” discussion very constructive,” enthuses Manager, Drama Development and Production, CTV, Trish Williams and CAM mentor. “…each participant gets a chance to examine her professional/creative strengths and weaknesses and all feedback builds upon a foundation of trust, shared experience and pragmatic goals for the future.”

This year we are pleased to announce that Vancouver’s Penelope Buitenhuis whose feature film A WAKE opens the festival, along with recent Canadian Film Centre grad, Ana Valine, Toronto’s Candice Day and Amanda Fahey whose short films also screen, will participate in the FeFF session of the CAM. Williams will be joined by two additional senior industry professionals while Whiteman facilitates the CAM sessions and the follow up career coaching for participants.

“There is nothing else like this out there. The information that came out of the [CAM] could take months to get to in the ordinary course of events,” says Karen Hines, award-winning Calgary-based filmmaker, and a 2009 CAM participant. “I altered my pitch materials and my immediate plans for them with a new focus.”

Hines and fellow CAM alumnae, Yukon-based filmmaker Lulu Keating, along with Winnipeg’s Danishka Esterhazy, each have films in the 8th Annual Female Eye Film Festival including A TAX ON POCHSY (Hines), DOG=GOD (Hines/Keating), and DAWSON TOWN MELTED DOWN and BRAIN CLEVER (Keating) and BLACK FIELD (Esterhazy’s debut feature film). Keating’s feature film, KLONDIKE KALAHARI has also been selected for the FeFF Script Development Program.

As part of the CAM, the public will be treated to a free panel discussion Saturday, March 27th from 10:30 am to 12:00 pm at the Novotel Toronto Centre, 45 The Esplanade. Panel theme: A Canadian Film and Television Market Update: Hunting for Hope Among the Hard Facts. Film enthusiasts welcome!

More info: Michelle Daides, Director of Marketing & Publicity – Female Eye Film Festival – P: (416) 573-3960 – E: michelle@mdmediainc.com


 About Creative Women Workshops Association (CWWA)

Through initiatives like: The Women In the Director’s Chair Workshop, alumnae development modules, scholarships and awards like the CTV WIDC Director Development Award, the WIDC Feature Film Award, Centennial @Wallace Studios WIDC Alumnae Award and the WIDC Banff World Television Festival Fellowship, CWWA is dedicated to advancing the skills and talents of women story-tellers of live action screen fiction and ensuring that voice is heard in all its diverse forms, across the country and globally. CWWA is also committed to advancing the skills and talents of actors and crew in Canada. Contact: Carol Whiteman, President and CEO/WIDC Producer, 1.604.913.0747 or visit www.creativewomenworkshops.com

The Women In the Director’s Chair Workshop (WIDC) is a one-of-a-kind annual professional development program specially designed to advance the leadership and creative capacities of eight mid-career women directors of live action screen fiction per year. With more than 120 director alumnae, WIDC is presented by Creative Women Workshops Association in partnership with The Banff Centre and ACTRA and with the major sponsorship of Telefilm Canada, CTV, through the CTVglobemedia-CHUM Benefits, William F. White Intl, Panavision Canada, and the participation of a variety of film and television industry organizations including: IATSE 669, Director’s Guild of Canada BC, the Quebecor Fund, Independent Production Fund, Actra Fraternal Benefit Society, IATSE 891 and many others. The CTV WIDC CAM is supported through the CTVglobemedia-CHUM Benefits, and held in collaboration with the St John’s International Film Festival (St John’s, NL), the Female Eye Film Festival (Toronto, ON), and the Women In Film Festival hosted by Women In Film and Television Vancouver (Vancouver, BC).

About The Female Film Festival

The Female Eye Film Festival established in 2001, is Ontario’s one and only annual international independent film festival showcasing films directed by women. The Female Eye presents films by debut, emerging and established directors in conjunction with the Script Development Program, a professional development program for screenplay writers encompassing the Script Reading Series and the Good To Go Industry event. The Script Development Program is open to male and female writers. For more information about the festival, please visit www.FemaleEyeFilmFestival.com.

# # #

For screeners, interview requests and additional information, please contact: Michelle Daides Director of Marketing & Publicity – Female Eye Film Festival P: (416) 573-3960 E: michelle@mdmediainc.com

“Key-Lime” at The Female Eye Film Festival, March 26th (plus Twitter news!)

Kathryn Bigelow is Queen of the World! Now you need another dose of female filmmaking? The 8th Annual Female Eye Film Festival is taking place March 24th – 28th, 2010. Established in 2001, the FEFF is Ontario’s one and only annual international independent film Festival showcasing films directed by women. This year notable filmmaker Catherine Hardwicke (Lords of Dogtown, Thirteen, Twilight) will be the recipient of the 2010 Female Eye Honourary Director Award.

Festival Founder and Director, Leslie Ann Coles, says:

“Every year, the Female Eye provides an amazing showcase of films by women directors. We have an eclectic selection of shorts, features, animation, documentaries and experimental films from Canadian and international filmmakers. We are extremely proud to include Catherine Hardwicke among our honoured guests”

I’m honoured to have If Key-Lime Pie Could Scream included in the FEFF program. Key-Lime will be screening on FRIDAY MARCH 26th, 2010 between 3pm – 4pm. There will be a Q&A afterwards.

All film screenings will take place at the Rainbow Cinemas Market Square, 80 Front Street East. http://www.rainbowcinemas.ca/A/?theatre=Market_Square Tickets can be purchased for $10.00 at the door. You can also reserve tickets for the festival at TicketBreak.com. For more info: http://www.femaleeyefilmfestival.com/program-events/tickets/

For a great article full of interesting facts about The Female Eye Film Festival, check out this link!: http://pressitt.com/smnr/female-eye-film-festival-attracts-top-notch-talent-from-around-the-globe/985/

You can also follow the FEFF on Twitter @FemaleEyeFilmFe, and you can follow me now too! @amandafahey

Congrats once again to Key-Lime’s amazing cast and crew. If you need more information, please contact me directly. Hope to see you at the fest!

The Female Eye Film Festival: always honest, not always pretty. March 24th-28th.

A Fay


                 “Cake can’t erode gold, can it?” wondered Nathan.

                “No. Not unless you go with the cyanide cake. But between you and me, it isn’t our bestseller,” smirked the waitress Rebecca.

                “I was thinking Black Forest,” replied Nathan as he leaned in to observe the display of decadent layer cakes. The dessert counter was off to one side of the restaurant, and was just obstructed from view if you were looking from Nathan’s table reservation.

                 Nathan Gale was handsome man in his late twenties, and had just only learned what cufflinks did. He had stunning eyes that perpetuated the confidence of a man with complete unwavering faith in his own destiny. Rebecca was written in the font of confidence herself, though she would balk at the notion that this meant she was hardwired for customer service. Even now she helped Nathan apathetically, and seemed more interested in her own dialogue than marrying Nathan with a cake.

                “Can I see the bling?” asked Rebecca, holding out her left hand. Her fingernails were done up with Sharpie and White-Out.

                “Sure, but it’s her dead grandmother’s antique engagement ring. That’s a two carat rock right there, so please be careful–”

                Rebecca slipped the ring onto her finger. She flexed her hand to feel it out, as if somehow it made her fingers longer. Well, it made one of them heavier.

                “Fuck… and all you have to cover is the cost of the cake, eh? Way to go grandma,” said Rebecca impressed, and then added “Who’s the broad?”

                “Her name is Zoe. She’s a twenty-five year-old girl from Mississauga. Curly brown hair—“

                 “I didn’t ask for her personal ad. Who is she? What’s her deal? Why pick her as the one to chain yourself to for all eternity? Or at least until death, when the whole womanizing lifestyle is game again?”

                “She’s cute. Beautiful.” said Nathan, and for a split second his nerves seemed to break through his composure. Rebecca continued to peer at him in a way that was so skeptical, that Nathan felt the need to add, “And you know… interesting.”

                “Interesting. Isn’t that the word guys use for girls who let them do all the talking?”

                For a moment Nathan was without a reply.

                “I think the Black Forest,” he finally said.

                “Is that your final answer?” pressed Rebecca, “Well go sit down. Did you say you were going to the bathroom? She’s going to think you’re passing a kidney stone. Or you’re doing coke. Or–oh doing someone else. Go! I’ll be right behind you.” And Nathan was shoved back in the direction of his table. A few steps and his intended fiancé, Zoe was in view. She looked like she was built from a medley of timid creatures; a small mousey thing with doe eyes that were surprisingly inexpressive despite their circumference. She only noticed Nathan had returned to the table when he was once again sitting across from her.

                “You look very beautiful tonight,” said Nathan.

                “Thank you,” was her only reply. Rebecca approaches the table with two big slices of Black Forest cake.

                “I ordered us dessert,” said Nathan, aware of how his breath expelled with each word. As Rebecca went to set the slices down, she pretended for a second to forgot which one went to Zoe. Nathan shot Rebecca a strong look, and she stifled a laugh as she headed away again.

                Zoe looked at the cake set down in front of her.

                “Oh, I can’t eat this,” she frowned. Nathan asked her what she meant.

                “I can’t eat white flour, milk, or refined sugar,” Zoe was serious, and Nathan was caught fully off guard.

                “You can’t cheat this one time–?”

                “–No!” she snapped looking appalled that Nathan would even suggest such a thing.

                “We’re here to enjoy ourselves,” he tried.

                “I will not enjoy this,” she frowned. Nathan looked sadly at the cake, which looked as enjoyable as a cake possibly could.

                “Here I’ll bring it back,” Nathan muttered.

                 “I’m sure the waitress will come and get it.”

                 “It’s okay,” and Nathan abruptly swept up her half a million dollar cake with the engagement ring yoke. He was walking back to the dessert counter before Zoe could say another word.

                Crossing the restaurant, Nathan dropped the cake on the counter in front of Rebecca, who had been watching.

                “What happened?” Rebecca asked.

                “You still got that cyanide cake handy?”

                “It couldn’t be that bad.”

                “We’re going to be married for the next, what 50 years? And never have dessert? I don’t think I can go through with it,” said Nathan. Rebecca looked at him sympathetically.

                “Cake?” She held out the plate. Nathan reached and took a little with his finger.

                “Are you going back over there?” asked Rebecca. She grabbed some cake with her fingers and plopped it in her mouth. She made a face and spit the diamond engagement ring into her hand. Nathan didn’t budge. He stayed there with Rebecca and the two of them finished the cake together.

Awkward Modern Family Photos

I’m all caught up on the ice cream sundae that is “Modern Family” and I’m positive that the tempest wind you’re hearing is the sound of television writers everywhere bolting to their nearest Starbucks to start spec-ulating the H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks out of it. It has me thinking a lot about the loons that raised me. Which somehow led to procrastinating on this site:


Which led to finding this:

What do we think? A worthy submission?

A Fay

This is why I write comedy.

“Key-Lime” part of Giggleshorts International Film Festival!

If Key-Lime Pie Could Scream is going to be part of the 2009 Giggleshorts International Film Festival in Toronto. It’s the 8th year for the world’s largest comedy short film festival. Show up, or blow up!

The screening will take place at 9:30pm on Saturday, November 28th, 2009 at the Giggleshorts Theatre, located 296 Brunswick Ave. 2nd Floor just a few steps south of Bloor St W. Between Spadina & Bathurst Stations in Toronto.